Making a Lifetime of Changes
When I first realized that my son was an addict,I felt like I was standing at the edge of an enormous chasm. I was attending meetings for a short while and I heard people talk about serenity or peace of mind. I never thought that I would share in their conversations and I never dreamed that I would 20 years later have true serenity.I have thought a great deal about how this happened. It actually didn’t just happen. It took years of work on my part. In the process I learned a great deal about myself that I had not previously understood ,at least at a a conscious level. And that knowledge enabled me to work the steps successfully and most importantly make the changes necessary to lift me(a step at a time) across that yawning chasm,which I call the Despair of Addiction.
I view addiction as the following. We are all standing at one edge of a very deep and very wide chasm with the addict. Across the chasm is a place called Recovery and at the pinnacle of Recovery is another related place called Serenity. There are only a few tattered rope bridges crossing the chasm ;but they look very dangerous and uncertain. Our choices(and the addict’s )are to climb down into the chasm,or in the addicts’s case fall down the chasm. and then try to figure out how to navigate the dark terrain to get to the place called Recovery. It becomes very obvious if we are realistic that we cannot carry the addict on our backs. The terrain is too difficult. We must each make our own journey. This is the analogy for letting go. If we carry or enable the addict,we will all be stuck in the chasm perhaps forever. If we let go of the addict and focus on our own path we have a chance to reach Recovery.
The tools for successfully traversing the tattered rope bridges lie in a toolbox called “Change”. Change works within us at several levels. First are the changes that relate to our behavior in relationship to others,predominantly the addict in the beginning of the process. Detaching is a huge part of the change process. Then there are the changes we can make within ourselves. These changes can all be mastered (a day at a time) by working the 12 Steps,particularly Step 1,2,and 3 and subsequently by turning our full attention to Step 4 . We must work Step 4 until we can’t go on and then we must work it all over again. The key to our success lies within Step 4 and extends ultimately thru Step 9. This is where the guidelines for the long process of change reside. They are ours for the taking,but accomplishing change within is a long road; and as with most roadwork we need to be prepared for backbreaking effort. Change does not fall out of the sky. We must really want to change and we must be willing to work hard at the process. We need to see that we can be much different and much better people through this process of change. And with these changes we can utilize the tools that let us cross the dark chasm of Despair more quickly ,rather than wandering in the depths of the chasm for years-perhaps a lifetime. Curiously,the more we change,the more we actually repair the tattered bridges across the chasm ,so that others may follow a bit more easily by our example. Perhaps some day we may find our addicts crossing by the same paths.
None of this is easy. After working for 22 years on Change,I know how tough it can be. However I have learned there is no other path across the Chasm,and without change we can never find Serenity. While it would be easy to make this journey sound quick and staightforward,that would be terribly misleading and could generate endless discouragement. Change is really tough,but incredibly necessary if you want to get better and if you want to reach Serenity. Additionally and perhaps most important, when we change, we open a door for the addict to change. He/She may or may not accept the invitation for months or years;but the door is open. Conversely,my experience has taught me that if we don’t change. the addict does not have a chance of getting better.
In closing I will reiterate what I learned from my son and many others in good recovery: Everone of them said “I went into recovery when I fully understood there was no one left to save me; I could only save myself.” The power of Change is truly extraordinary!
Mort
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