Monday, October 3, 2011

Making a Lifetime of Changes

                                                           Making a Lifetime of Changes

When I first  realized that my son was an addict,I felt like I was standing at the edge of an enormous chasm. I was attending meetings  for a short while and I heard people talk about serenity or peace of mind. I never thought that I would share in their conversations and I never dreamed that I would 20 years later have true serenity.I have thought a great deal about how this happened. It actually  didn’t just happen. It took years of work on my part. In the process I learned a great deal about myself that I had not previously  understood ,at  least at a  a conscious level. And that knowledge enabled me to work the steps successfully and most importantly make the changes necessary to lift me(a step at a time) across that yawning chasm,which I call the Despair of Addiction.

I view addiction as the following. We are all standing at one edge  of a very deep and very wide chasm with the addict. Across the chasm is a place called Recovery and at the pinnacle of Recovery is another related place called Serenity. There are only a few tattered rope bridges crossing the chasm ;but they look very dangerous and uncertain. Our choices(and the addict’s )are to climb down  into the chasm,or in the addicts’s case fall down the chasm. and then try to figure out how to navigate the dark terrain to get to the place called Recovery. It becomes very obvious  if we are realistic that we cannot carry the addict on our backs. The terrain is too difficult. We must each make our own journey. This is the analogy for letting go. If we carry or enable the addict,we will all be stuck in the chasm perhaps forever. If we let go of the addict and focus on our own path we have a chance to reach Recovery.

The tools for  successfully traversing  the tattered rope bridges lie in a toolbox called “Change”. Change works within us  at several levels. First are the changes that relate to our behavior in relationship to others,predominantly the addict in the beginning of the process. Detaching is a huge part of the change process. Then there are the changes we can make within ourselves. These changes  can all be mastered (a day at a time)  by working the 12 Steps,particularly Step 1,2,and 3 and subsequently  by turning our full attention to Step 4 . We must work Step 4 until we can’t go on and then we must work it all over again. The key to our success lies within Step 4 and extends ultimately  thru Step 9. This is where the guidelines for  the long process of change reside. They  are ours for the taking,but accomplishing  change within is a long road; and as with most roadwork  we need  to be prepared for  backbreaking  effort. Change does  not fall out of the sky. We must really want to change and we must be willing to work hard at the process.  We need to see that we can be much different and much  better people through this process of change. And  with these changes we can utilize  the tools that let us cross the  dark chasm of Despair more quickly ,rather than wandering in the depths of the chasm for years-perhaps a lifetime. Curiously,the more we change,the more we  actually repair the tattered bridges  across the chasm ,so that others may follow a bit more easily by our example. Perhaps some day we may find our addicts crossing  by the same paths.
None of this is easy. After working for 22 years on Change,I know how tough it can be. However I have learned there is no other path across the Chasm,and without change we can never find Serenity. While it would be easy to make this journey sound quick and  staightforward,that  would be terribly misleading and could generate endless discouragement.  Change is really tough,but incredibly necessary if you want to get better and if you want  to reach Serenity. Additionally and perhaps most important, when we change, we open a door for the addict to change. He/She  may or may not accept the invitation for months or years;but the door is open. Conversely,my experience has taught me that if we don’t change. the addict does not have a chance of getting better.

In closing I will reiterate what I learned from my son and many others in good recovery: Everone of them said “I went into recovery  when I fully  understood there was no one left to save me; I could only  save myself.” The power of Change is truly extraordinary!

Mort 

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