Good afternoon,
I have been working with families of addicts for 22 full years. Over that time I have met thousands of families and hundreds of addicts in good recovery. I have learned a great deal over that time frame and I believe I know what absolutely does not work for families of addicts. I do not have a precise formula for what does work,but I know that families can recapture their lives despite what the addict does or does not do. This involves looking for the truth about what addiction is and becoming willing to change based on our understanding of that truth.I have learned that most addicts have many features in common ,and most parents or enablers make the same mistakes repeatedly. There is very little that differentiates your addict from mine. The level of destructive behavior varies as does the level of recovery of addicts. The process of recovery for us is lengthy and is best accomplished in the company of other families working on the same issues.It is very hard for anyone(us or the addict) to do this alone. Therefore find a group of people who are serious about improving their lives and restoring destroyed family relationships; with persistence and the right group, you will succeed-as I did. There are many such groups (Alanon,,Naranon,and Families Anonymous). Each meeting even within the same umbrella group is different. All have websites with listings of meetings. Be prepared to work hard-this is a lifelong process of Personal Change and the issues can be very painful and hard to get your hands around. What is discussed in meetings is usually the opposite of what we all thought normal parenting was about. That is why this is so hard to understand in the beginning. In essence we have a recovery process to work through and our addict has his or her own recovery process. They are hopefully parallel but that may not be the case. And we recover separately. Our recoveries do not mix together! This cannot be overstated.. Usually the family has to begin the recovery process. I cannot emphasize this too strongly. Change must begin in the family specifically with the enablers. The enablers are usually the parents,but not always. The enablers are the people who cannot stop trying to fix the addict's problems.That is the easiest way to understand the players in this lifelong drama. We all know who the addict is,and remarkably siblings and friends do not sacrifice their lives for the addicts. However the enablers will sacrifice themselves and everyone else in the family to fix the one person who cannot be fixed by them. I know this to be the absolute truth. Enabling fixes nothing;conversely it destroys all hope of anyone recovering and often makes the addiction progressively worse and often ultimately fatal. Enablers do not create the disease. The disease belongs to the addict and is probably due to a genetic error in the chemistry of the brain. But those who enable are part of the reason the disease goes on,possibly forever. I have seen 85 year old parents taking care of 65 year old addicts. No one ever changed and as we say"when nothing changes,nothing changes" It is actually that simple.
I know there is a lot of information on this page and if you are interested in what I have learned over 22 years,keep reading. I will try to cover one issue at a time,but so much is intertwined that is not always possible. I will try to answer or respond to whoever writes back.
I hope what I have learned can ultimately help you. Hearing what I have to say is not easy. It takes time to process ideas that are not intutive to what we all thought parenting was about. Enabling in most households may not be the best idea,but rarely leads to problems. With an addict in the family , it always worsens problems.
Sometimes my comments seem harsh. They are not meant to be. I go back to the issue of each of us finding the truth which is incredibly obscured by our thinking. If we are to get better ,we need to disentangle most of our lifelong beliefs to find the truth about ourselves . And I know that is never easy to explain or to accomplish.
Mort
Congratulations dad on your first post! I am sure your experiences and insights will help many people.
ReplyDeletethanks. I am surprised how easy it went. I know answering posts can be very time consuming.
ReplyDeleteHi I've been online today..trying to find help for myself as the mother of an addict..It is late and I am tired..very tired..more on that at another time... I am not enabling at this time but need to know how to let go of a daughter that is an addict and on the streets..This is a long story as they all are! But how do accept and let go--for fear of the outcome to that child.Where does that strengh come from--?? I guess I am your first reply..Will look for yours..A Mother a grandmother..
ReplyDeleteI know that every parent fears for the addict. However looking back over what I did in response to fear,I realize that I actually increased the chances of all those fears coming true by enabling.Our addicts have already been in all the worst places and tested their survival long before we know what is happening.Addicts are real survivors. I know that overdosing on some of the newer arrivals to the drug armamentarium is more common. However there is no way we can stand in the presence of the addict 24/7 to prevent this from happening. The longer we react with fear based behaviors,the longer we put off recovery for ourselves and probably for the addicts. We are truely powerless over fixing this disease. I will write a whole section about powerlessness in the future. I know it sounds contraary to you belief as a parent. But powerlessness is reality. And ultimately we need to understand the absolute truth about what we can do and what we cannot do. I guarantee you that you cannot protect your addict or fix the addict. By fixing ourselves we open the door for ourselves to recover and we create a powerful tool for the addict's recovery.
ReplyDeleteKeep reading,go to meetinsg , and pray!. We all find our Higher Power at some time in our lives. I certainly did even though I doubted such a thing existed for years.
Mort
I urge you to go to a program with other parents to see how they cope with fear.
I will be setting out my definitions of common term I use relative to this subject tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteMort
Part 2: 3 of My Own Personal Definitions
ReplyDeleteDrug addiction is a disease and is recognized as such by all professional organizations of people who treat addiction. The nature of the disease is a chemical disorder of the brain and most easily understood as a chemical switch which never goes away but which can be suppressed by behavioral modification. The abnormality is probably genetically transmitted. In many senses it is like heart disease which is frequently genetic,but can be dramatically altered by behavior modification- regular exercise and maintaining normal weight,eating less fat,etc. Drug addiction manifests primarily through behaviors which are totally irrational to people who do not have the disease.These behaviors are changed by altering the addiction through behavior modification which is what recovery is about. And unlike most diseases,addiction negatively impacts most family relationships.The disease is triggered by one or more drugs entering the brain and turning the switch on.This can be one dose of one drug or many doses.
Enabling is doing for someone what they can do for themselves,or doing something for someone not because we want to do it,but because we have to to it. These two definitions work well together. Enabling can be very destructive to the ego of addicts(and non addicts) and destroys self esteem. Self esteem develops from solving problems. Enabling tries to fix those problems,never allowing the person who has them, to learn from the experience. Enabling eliminates consequences which are the source of most normal learning.
Detachment is letting go of a person. It is a very complex concept and is vital for the recovery of us and the addict. Detachment removes us from the cycle of responses to the addict’s crazy behavior;it permits the addict to face consequences which is imperative for recovery. Detachment is not abandoning the addict;detachment allows us to recover. No one gets better when the addict in in our face. Detachment gives us the tools to change a very sick enabling relationship into a productive relationship when we all recover.
Part 3. More Definitions
ReplyDeleteRecovery is a lifetime process involving ,for the addict, rehabilitation,counseling ,meetings(AA,NA)and involvement with the recovering community. It sounds simple but I know this is a lifetime of work. If you don’t know what the recovering community is,I define it as those people working on recovery from addiction in a particular location. Many are actively involved in AA or NA, often for 20 or more years. They bring tremendous experience in recovery skills to those struggling in early recovery(less than 1 year in my opinion).They will help the addict who is trying to stay sober in many ways-jobs,a bed,sponsorship,etc. But when the addict relapses they know it and they back off. That is why the recovering community succeeds when we do not. They know how to detach! I believe that addicts in early recovery particularly need to immerse themselves in this community. Taking an addict home from rehab usually does not work(unless they are under 18 in which case you probably have to take them home). Our recovery is not dissimilar. Our rehab is in meetings,reading literature and working the same 12 Steps the addict works. And we too often need to do this for a lifetime so we don’t relapse.
Relapse for addicts is resuming the use of drugs and all the old self destructive behaviors . For us it is resuming the old behaviors which prevent us from focusing on ourselves; they are also self destructive to us.
Cellophane child refers to the other siblings in the household where an addict is present. These children are seen though,which is why I call them cellophane. We are so busy fixing the addict the other children become cellophane. We do not see them or hear them. Their emotional needs are ignored. Cellophane children have much damage done to them by the enablers because the enablers attention is almost always exclusively tied to the addict. It is really ironic how we manage to sometimes destroy so many relations to salvage the addict-who is unsalvageable by us.I have seen many families break apart over drug addiction.
Driving forces of addiction are in my view : the drugs,the brain chemistry of the addict, and the behavior of the enabler(s). Yes I believe that the enabler(s) are a very important part of the disease. We did not give the disease to the addict(remember it is a disease),but we can certainly make it worse . We may be powerless to fix the addict,but we are not powerless in my view to inflict damage. I know many would disagree with me about this last comment,but I must say that it seems obvious to me that when the enabler(s) really detach over a long period of time, the process of the addiction is markedly impacted, generally for the better. I firmly believe that when we truly detach from the addict we open a door. The addict may not step through immediately.but our lives certainly do improve.And I have to say that I have personally never met an addict in good recovery who did not say something to the effect of”when everyoneone walked away,I knew it was all up to me”. Once again I am reflecting on my experience. Nothing is 100% in drug addiction.
Mort
I am going to devote an entire post to Acceptance and what it means.
ReplyDeleteIt will appear in a day or two.
Mort
Part 4: Acceptance
ReplyDeleteAcceptance means I accept what is true and what is real. It means I cast aside all the illusions rattling around in my head concerning what is really happening with my family,myself and my addict. It does not mean I approve of any of it. This where most of us get stuck. Acceptance has nothing to do with approval. It is a recognition of what is;what is real and what is fantasy. And we recognize that we have been thinking a lot of fantasy over a very long period of time. As I learned from my addict”it is what it is” and there is nothing I can do except work on myself. That is the essence of acceptance. It means many things are in the hands of someone else,hopefully my Higher Power. Acceptance requires considerable mental and emotional housecleaning. That is how we see the truth which has been made all but invisible by the garbage in our heads. It the garbage which keeps us doing the wrong thing and expecting the right result.
Looking back after 22 years I wonder how was I so self deluded to think I had control over all the stuff that was unquestionably not in my control when I learned to ACCEPT. And I learned to turn it over to someone else-I believe to my Higher Power who was also made invisible by my lack of humility. The essence of Acceptance starts in step 3,moves forward in Step 4 when we take a fearless personal inventory. That is the ultimate wake up call. It did not happen for years even though I thought I understood Step 4.But like everything else the nonsense in my head kept me from seeing what the Steps were about. I thought all I had to do was ask God for this and that. It was absurd when I realized that I thought my Higher Power was my errand boy.That I needed to send direction on high. But I finally learned in Step 11 that success is about listening, not telling my Higher Power anything. Listening for guidance. When we truthfully work from Steps 4 though 11 we can see and understand everything about Acceptance,Humility and the real power of the 12 Steps. I do not mean that the other Steps are unimportant. But for me 4-11 are the key to my recapturing my own life.
I am writing a post on how I look at the 12 steps. It will be ready soon.
ReplyDeleteMort
The 12steps is in the October post
ReplyDeleteMort
If you read this blog but prefer not to post a comment,let me know at mkduffer@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteThanks
Mort